Be still, my soul The
Lord is on thy side
With patience bear
thy cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order
and provide
In
ev’ry change he faithful will remain.
Be
still, my soul: Thy best thy heav’nly Friend
Thru throny ways
leads to a JOYFUL END!
As the tears rolled down my face I find myself look at a
photo of what I feel is an ugly, overweight human being. I began to pick at
myself and think “Look at those arms they are huge”, “I have chipmunk checks”, “I
look so fat” and soon begin to think…. “Who would ever think I am beautiful.”, “How
could anyone love this.” “Why on earth would my fiancé want to marry me?”
As I cried for hours this morning I became angry at the fact
that I haven’t been working on my goals. It’s so easy to let yourself go but it
never seems to be worth it. Lately I have felt anger or resentment towards
those who are blessed with the thin genes. I’m jalousie that they can eat whatever they
want and not have to count the calories they have to burn off later or those that
find vegetables more appealing than CHOCOLATE!!!!
I am MAD, I am so MAD that I’ve gained back everything I’ve
lost plus and additional 10lbs all I could do was cry, and cry, judge my self-image
and cry some more. I was scared to tell the people close to me because I want
to seem strong and on top of my addiction to food. I don’t like admitting that I
have a problem, that I’m human and that I need their help. I want to be independent
and strong. Not weak and venerable.
But the truth is I couldn't do it without being 100% honest
with the ones close to me. When I told my fiancé I knew he was going to say “Work
harder, the things in life you want the most you have to work for….Let’s go
running tomorrow.” I felt like I had to prepare myself for this answer because
it was honestly the last thing I wanted to hear. But instead of telling me to work harder, He
looked me in the eyes and said “Shay you know you are beautiful, and don’t you
think for one second that you’re not.” HE LOVES ME!!! For ALL of ME! Of course then followed
the encouragement of LET’S work on this because the things in life that WE want
the most are the hardest things WE have to face.
Notice he never told me I, You. He said Let’s, We. This isn't
something God gave me to face alone. He knew that is would be the hardest
challenge I would be faced with, He knew I couldn't do it alone so he placed me
around people who are stronger in that area of their life than I am. That doesn't
me I’m not strong, or not independent.
One of my top cheer leaders is my mother. No matter what she
hasn't given up on me. She doesn't allow
me to sit and wallow in my uncomfortable pity. She picks me back, gives me a
hug and tells me to love my self the way I am because so many people around me
do and because I am beautiful.
Again God placed me in Home, with a mother that love me
because he knew that at some point (or many points) of my life I wouldn't love
what I see staring back in the mirror and at that point I would need the love
of my family to tell me to keep moving.
I may not be where I wish I could be right now, but I am grateful
for the faith and strength of everyone around me. I am grateful to feel these
feelings because that is was cause me to want to change my lifestyle. I may
hate it in the moment…..but it sure does make me stronger the next day.
Don’t wait until you've reached
your goal to be proud of yourself.
Be proud of every step you take
toward reaching that goal.
I am proud and hope you can be proud of yourself. Yes this is hard and it will be for a while
but the hardest things prove to give the best results.
Until next time
SPAZout,
Shay
